Love

Mornings, the smell of coffee, parents, your favorite book/movie/actress, chocolate, friends, work... these and more are all things people love. Why is love so frequently reduced and confined to romantic/sexual love? Why are we told that we cannot possibly be happy without it? Why do people expend so much time and energy seeking out 'The One' person right for them, often neglecting their friends and family when they (think they) have found that person?

Companionship, sure, that's plenty important. But there's no need to place such an emphasis on romantic companions. I remember learning about Sternberg's triangular theory of love in my human sexuality class. In his theory, there's a triangle with the points labelled intimacy, passion, and commitment. Different types of love are placed on the triangle depending on the combination you have. For example, "consumate love" is in the middle of the triangle because it's intimacy + passion and commitment. Infatuation is pure passion, and "companionate love" is intimacy + commitment (e.g., a very close friend, a godparent, etc). You can check out the triangle and more about the theory at Wikipedia... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

Anyway, my point is that I think US culture focuses too much on what Sternberg calls "fatuous love," or passion + commitment. I think we fool ourselves into thinking it emphasizes consumate love, when popular culture really focuses on just two things: sex and marriage. In fact, many movies, books, etc, reinforce the idea that the "two" sexes are far apart, misunderstandings are inevitable, and true intimacy isn't likely, possible, or even desirable. There may be some intimacy represented, but a relative shallow form of it that does not extend very far.

Moreover, US culture then suggests that our goal in life is to seek out this love, marry them, and have a child, buy a house, etc, etc. If you don't have a child or buy a house, that is OK in theory, but if you don't get married to that person once you've found them? That is just so weird. Why wouldn't you get married? Isn't the point of any romantic relationship to test your compatibility for marriage and then do it? (Ignore the tax penalties, of course, those don't matter when it comes to true love!)

And, of course, if you never even find that person, your life must be incomplete. No matter if you have a warm, close relationship with your large family. Or if you have many strong, intimate friendships. Positive relationships with your colleagues, a close-knit community of neighbors, peers, or any other group. You could have a support network that is much stronger and healthier than those of many people who supposedly have "consumate love," yet your life is still considered lacking, unhealthy, and incomplete. Many people still think despite growing up in homes where their parents' relationships were unhealthy, despite having terrible relationships (or no relationship at all) with their parents, despite witnessing dysfunctional family dramas again and again. Their emphasis is still on finding that one person. And then withdrawing from the world to their own little bubble of happiness.

What a recipe for UNhappiness. In many cultures where the passionate aspect of relationships is considered less important, people tend to be happier in their marriages. Divorce is less common, and not always because of social taboo or legal difficulty. It makes sense--how can your partner measure up to your expectations when you expect perfection all the time? When you expect them to provide all of your emotional needs and have no other outlets for your thoughts, feelings, and affections, no other people with whom to share your hobbies, interests, and passions? No two people can ever be identical or share the exact same interests and preferences on everything.

Just a few thoughts. Maybe I'll post something soon about a need for more community.